"As a mother, my job is to take care of the possible and trust God with the impossible." Ruth Bell Graham
I have learned a thousand things these past two months... I have learned how to take a step at a time ("Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." - Matthew 6:34); I have learned how to overcome the fear of not being able to keep my newborn alive and that ultimately it is not me who sustains every breath that he takes and that I have little control over that. I have learned that there is grace for each day. There is grace for the labor room, even for 36 hours of labor and there is grace and peace in the surgical room as well, while your baby is pulled out of you unnaturally and forceful; there is grace when you seek the eyes of your loved one, begging for a drop of his courage, but he looks at you pale, tired and sorrowful, emptied of courage himself... I have learned that you can push through the worst pain when you hear your baby choke and you can jump out of bed forgetting that you are split open, making sure he's ok. I have learned that you can be even more multitasking than you were before and that you can send business e-mails while you feed, while you talk on the phone and while your cook dinner. I have learned that you can adjust to your interrupted sleep and that the tiredness from the beginning fades away. I have learned that coffee becomes your best friend, so loved that you will have to pray to be able to stop after the first cup. I have learned that motherhood is a greater sacrifice than I could have ever imagined and I wish my mom was alive to be able to thank her... I look at moms different now and I can still pay thanks to Armand's mom instead and to all the other moms around me.
Your body has changed and you have to patiently watch it and hope and work hard to get it back; going somewhere involves a lot of planing ahead and all your fancy purses are hanged and forgotten on the coat rack. You are wearing a diaper bag instead and all you carried over from your nice overflowing purse is your wallet. No room anymore for all the unnecessary things that used to occupy your bag and make it hard for you to find your lipstick. Any kind of shopping takes longer and some things you shop for look quite different.
Over all, this has been the hardest job I have had so far and most soliciting. To leave it just at that would be pretty unfair. The hardest job has also been the most lovely, beautiful and rewarding of all. When you look into those innocent eyes, when you touch those smooth baby cheeks, when you hold that tiny body close to yours, you would never go back or want it any easier or less soliciting. The contentment on his face after a good feeding says tons of "thank you's", those shy smiles are making my day and the feeling of his breath on my skin is melting me away. And all the new things he has brought with him, all the changes, responsibilities and fears have become routine after a few weeks, have become my life, the same life on the same screen projecting a different chapter. It sharpens me, it challenges me, it is growing my faith. It is teaching me that I can't do it on my own. It is helping me to trust for all the things I can't do and it is giving me the strength for all the things I can. It has cleansed selfishness and has challenged my soul, purifying my motives and wants. It has stretched me and showed me I'm able because there is grace poured down from above for each moment.
English Translation HERE
Sunt o iubitoare a cuvintelor; le vad in varful degetelor mele, incerc de multe ori sa le ating, insa imi dau seama ca ele sunt menite sa atinga.