I am a happy person! I am a blessed person and abundantly favored! I do find myself speechless facing this goodness that seems to overwhelm my existence in various ways. But the human heart is burdened and will always be when it does not find rest in trusting God...
I watch my husband's face when he's sleeping; just for a couple of seconds... Months ago I was listening my sister's heart beat sleeping next to me... And a bunch of contradictory feelings raise up in my heart. Oh, how I love this face, with its eyes closed, lost in its dreams that never come to mind when awake! And, oh, how I miss that heart beat, that keeps beating in a far away land, away from my sight, away from my hearing, away from my touch...
People come and go. The dearest people we hold in our hearts so tightly will come and go... I was trapped in the struggle of knowing... I was trapped, and I am still paving my way out of it, in the illusion that I might control something. And my mind was full of these thoughts: "I hope they don't hide their needs from me"... "what if they don't tell me?"... "I wish I could talk to my dad"... "he has to go to the doctor"... "I wonder what my sister's feeling right now"... "I hope she never feels alone"... "what if she's sad and has no one to talk to?"... "I hope she progresses in faith"... "If I could just have them here"... "I don't wanna lose anybody else, EVER"...
And then I look at the face and feel the piercing fear of a war that I did not overcome. And every now and then, you all can identify with me...
I have to let go! I have to unwrap this rope of control and understand that people are God's loan to us. He gives for a while... He gives and takes away, just as a "lease-man" is entitled to do... Got to learn this living "out of control" and let peace fill my heart, just as Abraham's heart was at peace when he was climbing the mountain with Isaac, having no lamb as a sacrifice... God always asks for the dearest things to save us from our idols. It's just a matter of taking our hands off of what we think we own. And I am ready to give Him all!
I am letting the control of my heart go away and open my empty hands towards God and cry out: "I TRUST YOU"!
English Translation HERE
Sunt o iubitoare a cuvintelor; le vad in varful degetelor mele, incerc de multe ori sa le ating, insa imi dau seama ca ele sunt menite sa atinga.