I can't sleep. It is minutes before midnight and I've been tossing and tuning in my bed with a million prayers going through my mind... I am not feeling good. I am no where near to be sleeping and I feel like I am just wasting time. Heavy thoughts are breaking my heart and I know that being tired doesn't help. Bear with me with this heavy post.
I am tired, I feel sick and I cannot sleep; and I feel so blessed. I start to pray and my words form different in my mind than they did any other night. I am filled with gratefulness and grief; two feelings I do not tend to have at the same time often. I am happy, I am so blessed, I have an amazing husband and a great marriage, I have a healthy boy, I have a home of peace, we are comfortable, we get to have fun, we have good parents, we are busy and we work a lot and we have strength for it, yet I sit here in total grief, in unbelievable sorrow and complete brokenness tonight... I am thinking of and praying for the moms who lay their babies down on a bed of hay hoping that mosquitos won't strike them tonight and malaria tomorrow, while I have laid my son to sleep in his comfortable bed with air conditioning running. I am praying for those kids who yet not ate today, while I am wondering which of the foods my son ate make his cheeks flare up... I am praying for those who's lives are circled with violence and terror, for those who have to watch their dear ones die excruciating deaths... My heart goes out to the hungry, to the thirsty, to those freezing, suffering and dyeing tonight. And all this time I look at my life and grieve: grieve that I have so much while others have none; grieve that I live each day like I deserve it or earned it, thinking of the next thing I can buy to make my life more comfortable. I don't deserve it; none of us do. Why would I? What would entitle me to my life compared to the African mom looking for water to keep her babies alive, who has to watch their little bodies shrinking everyday under the heat of the sun, in the dry of the desert... None of my worth. None. Nothing but the providence and sovereignty of God; nothing but His grace.
I will tell you a secret. Every once in a while I search on youtube some unpopular videos of African living or middle eastern survival (I'll share a more mild one with you down below). The struggles are different but they remind me how blessed I am, they rip the grip of our western comforts from my heart and show me their vanity. They turn my eyes to where they belong and make my soul grieve; grieve over the selfishness that my heart has been bound in, grieve over its ungratefulness, grieve over its lust for comforts. I search for them because they show me a complete picture of an unfair world that needs God and snap me from the bubble of my entitlement. You'll think I am crazy, but I refuse to let my heart go numb and feel no further than myself. It'd be so easy... It would happen with zero effort. Every once in a while my light entertainment gets disturbed, troubled, unusual. It is not the show I am used to see; it is not the people that make me smile and make the world look like an utopia. There are precious faces who face what I do not.
I am awake to pray, mourning my happiness, my comforts and thanking for it all...
English Translation HERE
Sunt o iubitoare a cuvintelor; le vad in varful degetelor mele, incerc de multe ori sa le ating, insa imi dau seama ca ele sunt menite sa atinga.